no sex Vlogger

[OldFashioned]

oof he's getting so powerful. Love it!

[sithspawn]

There May Be Trouble Ahead

How’s it going guys, this is gonna be a bit of a different video today.

Ok, so it’s just after 5am and I’m currently sitting on top of a tower block in Sheffield.  Now I’m assuming you’re asking yourself why so here’s the deal.  A couple of hours ago I got a text to say that three of my old work buddies had been taken into custody and are being held at undisclosed locations around the country.  I’m meant to present myself to a location in the Channel Isles by midnight tonight as a full, unconditional surrender.  Once I am in custody I will be debriefed on my abilities and held until they can determine my threat level to the United Kingdom.  Failure to do so will result in my buddies being imprisoned for life due to the treason act, and I will be declared an enemy of the United Kingdom who may use any and all means of military force to subdue me.

Can you believe that?  They’ve actually taken UK citizens hostage to get me to cooperate with them.  Now what they failed to mention in that text is that those three people are being held under armed guard with soldiers who have been ordered to shoot to kill myself and the hostages – which is what I’m going to call them as they’re not prisoners – if any attempt is made, by me, to rescue them.  Also, about two minutes after that text was sent, my phone went completely dead and won’t turn on anymore.  So now I’ve got to fly myself over to Jersey and hand myself in, otherwise these people are going to lose their freedom.

Now here’s where things get interesting.  First of all I know exactly where all three hostages are being held.  I’m currently looking at one of them right now as they’re about four miles away in a derelict building.  The other two are in similar places in Ashford and Swansea.  I’ve put the addresses to the places they’re being held in the description for this video and, hopefully, you guys watching this will be so disgusted that your government are holding innocent citizens hostage that you’ll want to go to those places to protest. It’s ridiculous that they’re being held hostage just because they happened to work or go to school with me a few years ago, so yeah, go and tell them if you’re not happy.

This video isn’t just going to be uploaded as normal; it’s going to be uploaded to all social media platforms, so feel free share the hell out of it, save it and even repost it if it gets taken down.  It’s also being sent to all the media outlets here and abroad, the families of those being held hostage, and also to the families of every soldier who is currently holding those hostages.  Why?  Very simple.  Because the Ministry of Defence has put those soldiers up against an enemy they know nothing about and have no hope of beating.  They have put blind faith in their intelligence which has been gathered solely by what I’ve shown in these videos and whatever information they may have garnered from people who have known me in the past.  That, to them, is enough to do something ridiculous like this and assume they’re going to have a happy outcome, where they get to have the ultimate soldier at their command, and the British public will be blissfully unaware of how they went about getting my cooperation.

So here’s a question directly aimed at the top brass in the MoD…how stupid are you?  Do you honestly think I didn’t know what you’ve been planning all this time?  I’ve been keeping tabs on you all for weeks.  Ever since you guys showed up at that old house I’ve been watching and listening to you.  These powers of mine have been increasing all the time in between these videos and I’ve only given you a slight glimpse into how strong they’ve become.

Let me just give you a few examples of how I’ve been monitoring the MoD:  When they arrived at that house I quickly established who was in charge of that operation and listened in to see what they were all doing.  Then if you noticed I said I was in the Peak District in a later video.  That was to let them know where to look for me so they could send another task force, and then again I said where I was in the videos after that.  So now you have multiple task forces dealing with all these different locations and they obviously have to report back to someone higher up.  Now I’m not going to say the guy’s name on here but I will tell you that I was able to hack into his phone, read his emails and texts, as well as listen in to his conversations.

I can bet he’s looking at his phone now and wondering how I hacked it; well it’s pretty easy when I can see him type his password in from miles away and then go into his house while he’s asleep and read it all at my leisure.  Honestly these guys don’t have a clue about how I can use these powers sneakily.  I’ve got to admit though, I like the way they’ve all been researching what I can do.  Did you know there’s a whole squad dedicated to reading anything to do with Superman, just to get any information about what I can do?  The problem is the information isn’t accurate as even those writers and artists got some stuff wrong.

For example, that building I’m watching right now has been lead lined to stop me seeing in and they’ve put acoustic dampers in so I can’t hear anything in there, or that’s what they think.  In actual fact I can see everything in there just fine and I can hear what they’re saying, as well as watching the radio waves leave their walkie talkies.  Not only that but this other phone I have here is logged into all their emails and every other form of communication they’ve been using.  I’ve also got this nice little radio I’ve acquired from one of their quarantine zones which is helping me hear all their chatter.

Another thing they’ve been unaware of is what I am actually capable of.  There isn’t a single weapon that any of those soldiers are currently using that will do anything more than tickle me.  How do I know?  Because the Ministry of Defence are incredibly lax when it comes to keeping a good check on their inventory.  Over the past few weeks I’ve borrowed and, in some cases, stolen some of their weapons for testing purposes.  I’ve shot myself with every bullet from every gun they’ve ever had and not been hurt by a single one.  I’ve held onto grenades as they’ve detonated, stared straight into flashbangs as they’ve gone off and inhaled various gasses from those other grenades with no ill effects.

I’ve even found some old unexploded bombs from world war two in various places around the country to see if they’d hurt me and they didn’t.  So unless they’re planning on detonating nuclear weapons in populated areas in the hope of getting rid of me, then they might as well forget about fighting me as it’ll only put their soldiers and possibly the general public at risk.

So that brings me back to why I’m sending this video to the families of those soldiers.  Those guys have been given orders to shoot the hostages if I don’t cooperate and to claim that it was my careless attempt at a rescue that caused them to be in the crossfire.  So I want their families to know that if those hostages die, then it is their loved ones who are going to be murdering innocent civilians.  I also want them to know that if I do have to rescue any of those hostages then my priority is their safety and not that of the soldiers.  I’m going to do everything I can to protect everybody but I probably can’t stop every bullet, so if one of those soldiers gets killed then it will be their own fault for starting a fight they can’t win.

Now I’m going to sum this up very clearly.  When this video hits the internet I want it everywhere.  I want the people of this country and the world to be outraged at the treatment of these hostages.  I want the families of those soldiers to be ashamed and disgusted at what their loved ones are being made to do.  And lastly, I want the MoD to realise they’ve pissed me off and there’s not a damn thing they can do to stop me.  If I wanted to I could just walk right into that building, and I don’t mean through the doors, I mean right through the walls; the reinforced concrete and steel beams wouldn’t pose any sort of a problem to me and neither would any of those weapons in there.

So stand down, let the hostages go back to their normal lives and don’t treat me like the enemy you really don’t want, because I know who’s calling the shots, and if you think I’m a goody two shoes like Superman, then that’ll be your last mistake.  I will do everything I can to protect my friends, and the people of the world from anyone who puts them in harm’s way just to get what they want.  I’m a free citizen of this country and this planet and I will not be used as a pawn in any conflicts no matter how you try to threaten me.

Right, now that all the horrible stuff is out the way I just want to say a big thank you to everyone who’s been messaging me on these videos.  There’s been a lot of support from you guys and I’m hoping you’ll see me as a hero after all this.  Just do me a favour, if you’re going to be outraged at this then don’t get violent with the authorities.  Let them go peacefully as the soldiers are just following orders and as I said before, they have families as well.

Love you guys and I’ll see you all soon.

[flamedelft]

Ooh, a complication! Love how he's running circles around the MoD, good job on that!

[sithspawn]

Down Under.

G’day mates and welcome to Australia.

I know it’s been a couple of months since the last video but, as you’ve probably seen, a lot has happened since then.  Now I know there’s a lot of viewers and subscribers from all over the world and you probably haven’t all had the same news that we’ve had in the UK, so let’s bring you all up to speed on what’s been happening lately.

First of all my friends were all released without harm after the public outcry at what had been done to them, and a lot of people turned up at the sites where they were being held to voice their disgust.  Thankfully they were all pretty peaceful but a couple of people got a bit rowdy until I had a word with them, or in some cases moved them quite a distance away to cool off.  The Defence Secretary and the Home Secretary were both made to resign, and the Prime Minister was hanging on by a thread until the government decided to open some proper lines of communication with me.  There were also a few high ranking officials in the armed forces who were also relieved of command afterwards as well.  Thankfully everything’s all good between me and the government now so hopefully it’ll stay that way.

So since all that’s happened things have changed quite a bit for me.  I’ve kinda taken on the superhero role a little bit, complete with my own costume.  I’ve got a public relations crew working with me now to help me with my image and they went through a load of costume choices with me.  Obviously I tried out the traditional spandex ones with the capes but they were just too impractical.  I like this one though as the combat type trousers and this vest thing are practical rather than just being skin-tight.  Plus I’ve got loads of pockets to carry my phone, first aid stuff and anything else I might need from time to time.  It looks a bit like it’s designed for the military but I like it just for the practicality.  And I wanted it to be more colourful as well so people didn’t feel like I was trying to hide, so naturally I asked the designers to throw in some primary colours and, even though they’re not as bright as Superman’s, I think the designers did a pretty good job.  I also had to make sure there were no sleeves as well cos people are always asking to see the guns hahaha.

Speaking of the PR crew.  These guys are amazing.  They’ve been trying to improve my image with the costume as well as thinking up a superhero name for me.  Most of the names have been terrible but that’s because there’s not a lot left that isn’t already trademarked.  I kinda like just being called TJ though so they might just have to market that.  Not that I’m doing any of this for the money.  Any money that’s made is donated to charities, after the PR crew are paid of course, and I’ve made sure that my image is being cared for by more up and coming people in the industry to improve their prospects rather than just going with the big, profit hungry corporations.  I’m all about helping people from the ground up and not lining the pockets of the super-rich elite, so I have some of the most ambitious people working for me to help themselves, if that makes sense.

As far as being a hero is concerned, the main things I’ve been trying to do are to learn more from the police and other emergency responders.  I’ve been helping some police forces out with some missing person’s cases and even found some bodies that have been missing for years which is a bit grim, but it’s helped to give the families some closure.  That’s one of the reasons why I’m here in the outback of Australia rather than back in the UK.  It’s summer over here now and it’s hotter than Satan’s underpants, which means there’s a huge risk of wildfires breaking out.  So I’ve been working with the Fireys, as they call them over here, to find out the best ways I can use my powers to help with any bushfires they get when the weather’s like this.

So far they’ve shown me how to create firebreaks by clearing the trees out and that’s been fun.  Tearing trees out of the ground with just my bare hands never gets old, and at least this time it’s for a good reason.  It looks pretty funny from the ground as well when they see a tree flying past with little me underneath it.  You can probably find some videos that people have uploaded of that around the internet.  The main thing I’ve been trying to stress with all this though is that I’m not trying to take anybody’s jobs away.  These guys still do the amazing work they’ve always done, but if I can help them out and keep them safer then I will do.

I’ve also been working with geologists, seismologists and volcanologists, to understand how I could help if we get some big disasters happening around the world.  We haven’t got it all figured out yet but we’re working on it.  We’re also still trying to work out my international travel rights.  Like, I’m allowed to go anywhere in the British Commonwealth without any issues, hence why it’s so easy for me to get into Australia, but some other countries, especially the USA are a bit more reluctant to let me in.  Although I have told them that I will enter the country whether they like it not if I feel they need my help, like if California has major wildfires or an earthquake or something.  If they don’t like it then that’s tough luck.

It’s not all work though, I get plenty of time to just chill out and relax, but what I really like to do is just meet people and show them I’m not scary or anything like that.  And if you’re wondering about how much I’m worth, well the answer is very little.  I don’t earn any money from anything I do but if I want something I’ll usually make a deal with the company who owns what I want to endorse whatever it is.  I’m not exclusive to anybody or anything like that but I have had a lot of people sending me free stuff which then gets donated to people who actually need it.

I quite like working with the fitness industry too as they keep trying to get me to endorse their supplements and things like that, even though I don’t need any of them.  Although, if something tastes good I might just say that I like it, just to give them a boost.  I was also invited to the BodyPower Expo in Birmingham and that was a lot of fun.  Some of the guys there are a lot bigger than me so it’s always nice to see their egos get stroked as they pose next to me, but what I love is to find out who the two strongest people are there and put both of their maximum squat weight onto a bar and then just curl it with one hand.  They all take it in good fun and even offer to sit on that same bar as I lift it with them on.  I’ve even sat signing autographs with one hand while five big guys have been trying to wrestle the other one down to the table.

I’m hoping everything gets sorted out with the US border controls soon as I really want to go to Muscle Beach.  I reckon that’d be a fun place to meet people and see how the big guys over there feel about me.  It’d also be good to speak to the guys at NASA to see how I can help with anything space related.  I mean, if we get an asteroid heading to Earth or anything like that I have no idea how to deal with that.  I could probably just smash it easily but that could make things worse so I’ll get the boffins there to run all the numbers.

Anyway, this is probably going to be my last video on this channel because things are getting really hectic.  Don’t worry though, you’ll still see me around on TV and in the news, and who knows, you might even end up running into me randomly somewhere when I’m exploring.  I’ve only scratched the surface of everything there is to see on this planet and there’s plenty more places for me to go, so you never know where you might see me next.  I’m leaving the channel online as well and maybe I’ll come back to do a video in the future or I might even see if one of the PR crew want to take over.  Either way you can go back and look at the older videos any time you want.

Thanks for all the support and encouragement over the last few months.  Love you all and I’ll see you soon.

Later guys.

[dredlifter]

This is very cool, creative and fun.  Great job.  

[timaa]

Awesome story, loved the build up and the Vlogger thing was original and fun, thanks so much!