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AJ & Noah


muscleaddict

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17 hours ago, crushme99 said:

This chapter was difficult to read, especially the terrible soul-emptying statement from Noah:  "Maybe someone like me could never really be with someone like AJ Jones."

Noah's 1,001 painful questions in his mind, fatalistic self-doubt, and crushing of self-esteem can, perhaps, feel familiar to many of us.  At least it does to me.  muscleaddict, you have a very special insight into the joys and darknesses in our hearts.  I, for one, truly thank you.

That's a really sweet thing to say. Thank you, mate! ^_^ I think we all know that crushing feeling of self doubt and questioning wether you're good enough. Not just when it comes to guys and realtionships, but in most aspects of life. If you don't, you're probably either extremely lucky or incredibly arrogant.

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Sorry, guys. Posted the next chapter in this post but need to change something. Just bare with me.

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1 minute ago, mikamik said:

Noooooo, does that mean i have to re-read it? :P

 

I was hoping no one had read it yet! ? Probably not - just a small detail about what happened between Dale and AJ.

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Thirty Seven

I’d never seen AJ looking so nervous than when he opened the door to me in his bright red Scorpio’s Gym hoodie. Not even the first time I ever saw him standing in the playground on his first day at my school. I was still angry at him. And definitely hurt. But I couldn’t deny that seeing him again, for the first time in over a week, made my insides flutter. Despite what AJ had done, he still gave me those fuck off massive butterflies.

But even though he looked nervous, I very much got the impression that AJ was pleased to see me too. He was covered up, but I could tell from his face and his hands that the bronzed competition tan from almost two weeks had all but faded. His hair was starting to grow back too. As sexy as his shaved head was, I couldn’t deny that I missed his old haircut.

This horrible, sick feeling churned in my stomach as soon as I walked into AJ’s bedroom. I knew why. I was remembering what had happened the last time I’d been in this very room. I had always loved being in AJ’s bedroom so much. In fact, upon until a week before, it was probably my favourite place in the world. A place I felt safe, even. A place where I could be the boy I loved exactly the way I wanted to be. To kiss him and touch him and do all the things I wanted to show him what he meant to me. But now that place was tainted. Like someone had taken a knife to something I loved and etched a big scar right across it.

“Are your parents really mad about last night?” AJ asked, as we sat on his bed. My stomach was tightening in knots through nerves.

I gave a little shrug. “My mum seemed okay this morning. She just sort of gave me this disapproving face. She knows about us by the way.”

“Really?” AJ asked. He looked surprised, but not worried like I imagined he would have. He even looked a little pleased.

I nodded. “Nothing gets passed my mum!”

AJ’s face softened and he smiled a little.

“How you been doin’?” he asked, suddenly looking nervous again.

I shrugged. “Pretty shit!” I said honestly.

AJ looked at me with these sad eyes. “I kept thinking I was gonna see you at the leisure centre. Well, more like hoping!”

He looked at me with this hopeful, almost desperate look. I melted. Just a little. Then there was silence and everything suddenly felt tense again. I knew this was my chance to get some answers.

I looked down at my hands. “So why did you do it?” I asked, calmly but solemnly. I only looked up at him once I’d asked the question.

AJ made a little painful groan and pressed his fingers into his forehead. Like he was beating himself up. “I don’t know,” he said.

“That’s a shit answer!” I said, still calmly.

He sighed. “It just sort of happened,” he said, chewing his bottom lip and looking at me with that desperate look again.

Ugh! I could feel myself getting angry again. Just thinking about AJ with Dale. Beautiful, olive skinned, built like a brick shithouse Dale. But I needed to know more. My mind wouldn’t rest until I did.

“Did he come on to you?” I said, less calmly.

AJ nodded. “Back at his mates house after the club.”

And there it was again. That sick feeling churning in my stomach. “Why did you even go back?” I asked.

AJ shrugged. “Well, he lived in town. It was cheaper and easier than getting a taxi home, I guess.”

“Did you want something to happen?” I asked, suddenly feeling like I might start to cry.

“No!” AJ said, defiantly. “I mean I could sort of tell he fancied me. I mean, I think most of his friends did. But he knew I had a boyfriend. Then his mate went to bed and we were sitting on his settee, and that’s when he came on to me. He took me by surprise. That’s when he told me that it was different for gay guys. That lots of couples in relationships mess about with other guys. So I went along with it, but not for long. I freaked out and told him to stop.”

I hated the images that were going through my mind. Of AJ being out with Dale and his mates and all of them fawning over him. Of them going back to someone’s place. Of the two of them sitting on his friend’s settee, Dale coming on to him and AJ going along with it. Of them kissing. AJ kissing another guy. And things developing. Dale’s hand being on AJ’s leg. AJ wrapping his arm around Dale’s waist. The two of them touching. Dale sliding off the couch and kneeling down as he undid AJ’s belt buckle. Fuck. I decided in that moment that I didn’t need to know any more details of what had happened between them. It would do nothing but torture me.

Knowing AJ had freaked out and asked Dale to stop whatever he was doing though was, at least, one small comfort. That was if AJ was telling the truth, of course. I’d never had any reason not to believe him before I read that text message from Dale that day. I wanted to believe that AJ wouldn’t lie to me. But I couldn’t really say that I was certain he wouldn’t.

I looked away from AJ to his bedroom wall. The picture of Blaine Holton, jacked and huge in competition condition while squeezing out a most muscular pose staring back at me. For some reason, I was finding it hard to look at AJ in that moment. Perhaps it was because I now had an image of him and Mr Olive Skin kissing and fooling around with each other on some settee in a flat in town implanted in my brain. AJ had told him to stop. But he had still done it. Whether he was drunk or not. He’d still wanted to mess about with that beautiful muscle guy. He’d still wanted to be with someone who wasn’t me.

“There’s one thing I don’t get though,” I said, still looking at Blaine Holton rather than AJ. “You said you didn’t plan to do anything, but you still lied to me about where you were going that night!” I said. I finally looked at AJ. His face just as fucking gorgeous as ever. He didn’t look so nervous anymore, but he still looked distressed.

He sighed. “The thing is, Noah. This whole gay thing. It’s so new to me. And every time you’ve taken me to a gay place, it’s been so much fun. I mean, that night we were out in London. All the attention I was getting. And then those guys coming up to us. I loved it! And I know they were only talking to me because of the way I looked. But it was still fun!” he explained, shrugging.

“So when Dale asked me if I wanted to go out in town, I thought, “Yeah, I really wanna go!” It felt exciting. I mean, when you first started going out on the gay scene, seeing guys, having boyfriends, whatever … didn’t you find it really exciting?”

“Mmmm. Yeah, actually!” I replied honestly. And I really had. Suddenly, what AJ was saying was starting to make sense. I hadn’t considered any of this.

“And I knew you wouldn’t have liked it if I told you what I was doing. I knew you’d be funny with me. Like you were funny with me that night in London. And I suppose you could have come with me. But … I dunno. I mean, what we have. It’s so fucking amazing. And so special …”

Fuck! I was starting to melt again.

“But I think I liked the fact that this felt separate to that? Going out to gay places. Making new friends. And you didn’t exactly look comfortable with Dale and his mates that night. I mean, you said he was a dick to you!”

I scoffed. Even though what AJ was saying was making sense. Even though I was completely getting it.

“And it really wasn’t about Dale! I mean, I probably would have gone out with anyone who asked me. You know me, I’ll talk to anyone. Especially when I’m drunk!”

“I get what you’re saying!” I said, nodding.

“I was actually kinda hoping to run into that really camp guy who asked to feel my biceps in the toilet that night! He seemed really fun!” he said.

I felt myself softening. AJ’s mouth started to curl into a little grin. “I was maybe gonna squeeze a most muscular in his face. Just to see his reaction!”

And that was it. I felt my mouth curling into a smile and I gently shook my head at him. I hated that AJ was making smile. But I also kind of loved it.

“Oh, and I actually think you were right about Dale!” he said.

I felt a sharp twist at the mention of that name, but I was excited to see where AJ was heading. I raised an eyebrow at him.

“I think he is a bit of a prick!”

My heart fluttered. I furrowed my eyebrows at AJ, curious as to why he’d come to that conclusion, and also a little suspicious that maybe he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear.

“I mean, he was alright at first. But then he made some comments about some of the people in the pub. Like, really mean things about the way they looked.”

Ugh! I scoffed. “Sounds about right!” I said.

“And he was just so … arrogant!

“Well, I could have told you that!” I said to him, feeling myself starting to smile again.

“I’ve known less arrogant bodybuilders giving it attitude on stage! Even Blaine Holton’s not that arrogant! And he’s about three times as big. And twice as hot!”

I smirked, but something twisted in my stomach. So he had thought Dale was hot? And then I remembered that when I’d first spotted him, before he’d been a prick to me, before he messed about with my fucking boyfriend, I had thought he was hot too. Whether he was a prick or not, he was a beautiful man. Ugh. I hated that. I wanted to live in a world where good hearted people were beautiful and dicks like Dale were butt fucking ugly.

“He’s been texting me too!” AJ said.

Fuck. I felt myself tensing up again. That was something I did not want to hear. I shook my head gently and turned my head away from AJ again.

“I’ve ignored every single one. I think he’s got the message.”

And then I softened, while thinking, Ha! Fuck you, Dale, you fucking prick. I cautiously looked back at AJ, who was biting his bottom lip and looking at me with this hopeful expression. Like he wanted me to just give in and say that all was forgiven.

“But you still messed about with him!” I said, calmly.

“I know!” he groaned. And he suddenly looked sad again.

Something came to me in that moment. What AJ had said about the whole gay thing being new and exciting to him, maybe that wasn’t just limited to going out on the gay scene? Maybe having sex with other guys was as equally exciting to AJ? After all, I was only the second guy he’d ever been with. Maybe that was the real reason he’d messed about with Dale?

“So is that what you want?” I asked AJ, cautiously.

“What?” he asked me, clearly confused.

I shrugged. “To mess about with other guys. An open relationship type of thing?” I said, looking down at my hands.

“NO!” he said, earnestly. “I don’t!”

I looked up at AJ. He looked so sincere. I was softening again. Here’s the thing. I did believe him. But I wasn’t quite convinced that what happened that night wouldn’t happen again. One night when I was back at uni, completely unaware that AJ was meeting some guy off the Internet, maybe an Eddie type, just as a friend, but getting a bit tipsy and something happening between them.

“I really wanna touch you, but the last time I did that you almost kicked me in the face!” AJ said, playfully.

And that really made me smile. There was no hiding it, either. I shook my head and looked up at the ceiling, annoyed with myself that he was making me laugh.

“Don’t mess with Noah Cook!” he said, cheekily. He shuffled his foot along the bed to mine and wrapped his toes over mine and fuck, I melted. I tilted my head back against the bedroom wall, giving in, letting AJ touch me.

“Are we okay?” he asked. I closed my eyes. I wanted to forgive AJ. So much. But everything still hurt so badly.

I looked at him. He was looking at me with these pleading eyes. And then something happened which I hadn’t expected. He shut his eyes tightly and screwed up his face and whimpered. AJ was starting to cry, and desperately trying to hold it back. Fuck. And seeing AJ hurt, I suddenly wanted to cry too. I hated seeing him upset.

I didn’t even think about what I did next. I shuffled over to him and placed my arm around his shoulders and AJ wrapped his arm around my waist and buried his head into my chest, letting out a few whimpers, still trying to hold it back.

I squeezed him tightly and buried my face into the top of his head. It felt like ages since I’d touched him in that way. Even though it had been less than a week. In spite of what he’d done and how he’d hurt me, I just wanted to protect and comfort him in that moment. As a boyfriend. As a friend. As someone who just cared about him.

“I hate that I hurt you!” he said to me, his face still buried in my chest. “I’ve been going crazy!”

While I’d been feeling heartbroken that week, AJ had clearly been going through his own type of personal hell. I realised something in that moment, as I gripped onto AJ tightly. Something I think I’d always known. That, ironically, despite having more than a few extra pounds of muscle than me, despite being physically stronger and bigger than me, and the majority of twenty year olds for that matter, emotionally, I was the stronger one out of the two of us. I think I always had been.

We stayed like that for a little while. Just holding each other on his bed and not talking. We didn’t say much else for the remainder of the time I was there.

“Did you get your suit sorted for the wedding?” I asked AJ, as I stood in his hallway next to the front door.

He groaned and rolled his eyes. “Yes! That was a fucking nightmare! It’s way too long in the arms.”

I smiled at him gently. “Shouldn’t be such a monster then!” I joked. AJ gave me a warm grin but his eyes were still sad. I wondered whether he was going to try and kiss me before I left, but he didn’t. We just gave each other a prolonged hug at the door and I told him I’d see him when he got back from Ibiza.

It almost felt like a relief when AJ was on holiday. Knowing that things were on a temporary pause. I didn’t contact him and he didn’t contact me. Neither did I expect him to. It still hurt me. What had happened. What he’d done. But what AJ had said in his bedroom that day had made so much sense. About going out with Dale because the gay scene was new and exciting. And even though I had had my doubts at the time, in retrospect, I believed what he’d said about not planning to mess about with Dale. About him coming on to AJ and him freaking out about it and asking Dale to stop. I knew he was telling the truth. And even though it still killed me, even though I hated the fact that he’d done something with another guy, I hoped that I would be able to forgive him. Even though it would probably take a little time.

I had thought about the day that AJ got back from his holiday in Ibiza weeks before it had happened. When everything was still so good between AJ and I. I’d imagined how happy I would feel on that day. How much I would have missed him. And how excited I would be at the prospect of seeing him again after a week apart from each other.

When that day actually arrived, I felt none of those things. Instead, I felt nervous. Anxious, even. Because AJ being back in Little Denton meant having to face up to the reality of what was going to happen next between us. Having to find out whether we could make things work.

After what had happened over the previous few weeks, it was hard to know whether it was my turn to make the first move, or AJ’s. I kept wondering whether I should text him, while wondering whether he’d text me. By the end of the day, none of those things happened.

By the end of the second day, when I’d still not heard from AJ, I was starting to get this horrible feeling that something wasn’t right. So I composed a text. “Hey. How was the holiday?” I hovered my finger over the send button, wondering whether I should press it. Fuck it, I thought. And the text was sent.

Nothing came back. Not half an hour later. Not an hour later. Not even a day later. And that awful, sick feeling in my stomach only got worse. It was funny, because I had been fine before I had sent that text message (I guess that’s called having your head in the sand). But once I’d reached out to AJ and he wasn’t responding, suddenly I was incredibly anxious and eager to hear from him.

I text him again the next day, asking if everything was okay. When nothing came back then, either, it was abundantly clear what was going on. AJ was ignoring me.

I couldn’t believe it. After everything that had happened. After he’d messed about with that prick. Lied to me. Hurt me. After he’d spent a week desperately trying to get in touch with me. Coming to my house in the middle of the fucking night. After he’d explained everything to me in his bedroom and tried to get me to forgive him. Cried in front of me. After I’d held him in my arms. He was now doing this. Just ignoring me. Not facing up to me, or his feelings. Like an absolute fucking coward.

What had changed since I’d left his house the week before? Was it because he’d cried in front of me? Or it some kind of payback for me ignoring him that week? Was it just one huge pride thing? Or had something happened in Ibiza? Had he messed about another beautiful muscle guy? God, with another girl, even? Had he realised the past few months with me had just been one massive mistake and he no longer wanted to be with me, or any other guy for that matter? Or had he just come to the conclusion that me and him just weren’t meant to be? Still, whatever it was, I deserved to know. It was completely unfair for him to do this to me.

Something inside of me snapped. I gave AJ one more day to respond to me. When nothing came back, I sent him another text.

“AJ. What’s going on? I’m not playing this stupid fucking game with you. I’m coming round to see you.”

It was time for me to take action again, just as I’d done that day in AJ’s bedroom when I’d confronted him about his drunken messages after that night out with Naomi and Eddie, where he’d all but confessed he had feelings for me.

I had no idea whether AJ would be in, but when his house was in sight and I saw that his car was missing, I got my answer. His mum’s car was in the drive though. I had to see her, so that AJ knew my text had not just been an empty threat. So that he knew I wasn’t going to let him get away with treating me this way.

I was nervous when I rang the doorbell and my heart was racing, but something was overriding those nerves. It wasn’t so much anger. More just sheer determination.

His mum answered the door. “Oh, hello, Noah!” She was smiling at me, but she looked a little weirded out. She could obviously sense that something wasn’t right. Suddenly the nerves had taken over my determination. “Is AJ home?” I asked, meekly.

“He’s at the gym, love,” Mrs Jones informed me, looking at me with this confused and concerned expression.

AJ probably hadn’t even seen my text. “Oh.” I suddenly felt really awkward. “I’ll just text him later!” I said, suddenly desperate to get away.

“I’ll tell him you came by,” she said. “Bye, Noah.” She gave me one of her warm smiles. This one didn’t fill up quite as much of her face as it normally did, though.

I walked away from AJ’s house. I probably should have felt deflated. But I didn’t. Somehow, I knew I’d done enough.

It was about an hour later, when I was sitting on my bed at home, that AJ Jones finally text me back.

“I’m sorry, Noah. I can’t do this anymore. I had a lot of time to think in Ibiza. I hate that I hurt you so much. I know I fucked up. I could tell from last week when you came round that things weren’t going to be the same with us. I think it’s better in the long run if we just end things now. It probably wouldn’t have worked with you being in London anyway and I don’t wanna risk hurting you again. I’m sorry. This is killing me. AJ x”.

I threw my phone down on the mattress and picked up my pillow, wrapping it tightly around my face as I cried into it. I don’t really know why I hid my face. It was like I didn’t want anyone to see me cry, even though there was no one else was in the room. I remember thinking that it was one of those moments I’d never forget. Like a scene from a film that sticks in your mind long after the end credits roll.

But it’s funny, because I also remember thinking how there was a strange sort of beauty about the whole thing. In breaking down. In letting go. In feeling like my heart was breaking over and over again.

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*clears throat* WHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY???????  *inhales* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  *inhales* TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM...TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM...TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM...TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM...TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM...TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM...TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM...TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM...TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM...TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM............

*Gives Noah a hug* It's gonna be alright!

 

??????

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wow 

powerful and emotional

just when we thought everything would be ok between them ...... bam ......  aj lashes out..

one thing about his night out with erm dale, if aj freaked out and stopped him why did dale text him “thanks for last night sexy man”  maybe aj ‘s just being economical with the truth.

but then breaking down in front of noah like that before he went to ibiza , what changed( or happened in ibiza) for him to end it ? 

really powerful stuff!!!

 

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1 hour ago, mikamik said:

*clears throat* WHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY???????  *inhales* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  *inhales* TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM...TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM...TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM...TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM...TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM...TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM...TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM...TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM...TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM...TELL ME ITS JUST A BAD DREAM............

*Gives Noah a hug* It's gonna be alright!

 

??????

Haha!! I love it! When you've finished hugging Noah can you give @muscleaddict99 a hug too? It sounds like he might need it! ?

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1 hour ago, Built22 said:

wow 

powerful and emotional

just when we thought everything would be ok between them ...... bam ......  aj lashes out..

one thing about his night out with erm dale, if aj freaked out and stopped him why did dale text him “thanks for last night sexy man”  maybe aj ‘s just being economical with the truth.

but then breaking down in front of noah like that before he went to ibiza , what changed( or happened in ibiza) for him to end it ? 

really powerful stuff!!!

 

Thanks, matie! ? AJ is telling the truth. The thanks in Dales text was more a "thanks for a good night out". The sexy man was him just being flirty/trying his luck, but obviously I wanted him to say something suggestive for Noah to react in such a way.

As for Ibiza, sometimes when you distance yourself from certain people/places/situations it gives you a fresh perspective. He gives his reasons in his text. I think a large part of it was AJ just thinking it was easier to end things. Had Noah been staying in Little Denton and not going back to uni, he may have felt differently.

 

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