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The Perilous Danger


Hialmar

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GUARDIANS OF THE CONTINENT
Season 4 Episode 8

The Perilous Danger

Most of the males of the family of Sir Neville Fink-Nottle-Reid had served in the civil service since the days of the Asquith cabinet, when agriculture no longer was enough to keep damp damages away from the family mansion in Flydale Major, located not very far from the slightly larger village Flydale Minor. Generations of his family had seen several Liberal, Conservative and Labour cabinets succeed each other, but only five monarchs during the same time. 


He sat in his hotel room in Brussels, and felt awkward. Another round of negotiations, and the phone call back to Whitehall hadn't turned out well. Wooster, one of Boris' advisers, saw nothing wrong in keeping Fink-Nottle-Reid in the dark about the next step in the Foreign Office's negotiation strategy, despite that he was the one supposed to speak for the British side. The phone call hadn’t turned out well: 


"Apparently the fact that you needed to know was not known at the time that the now known need to know was known, and therefore those that needed to advice and inform the Foreign Secretary perhaps felt that the information that he needed as to whether to inform other parts concerned of the known information was not yet known and therefore there was no authority for the authority to be informed because the need to know was not at this time known or needed. Please send my regards to Wombles and Plonky if you meet any of them in Brussels. They will probably be disappointed, when we leave the union, in eight years' time, or so.”


Fink-Nottle-Reid wasn't surprised. Together with Wooster, he had begun his career under a civil service veteran, the famous – some would say infamous – Sir Humphrey Appleby (May he rest in peace), and they had both learned a lot from Sir Humphrey about how to explain matters. Fink-Nottle-Reid looked at his watch. It was still an hour left, until he was expected at the negotiations. He switched the telly on.


"This is Selena Salcombe for BBC News."


The BBC News anchor Salcombe was famous, not only for her journalism, but also for being the girlfriend of the British superhero Fearful Symmetry. By a peculier coincidence, a very large percentage of the world's male superheroes dated female journalists. She continued:


"Elliot Carver, the man who owns all British tabloids and television channels, except for the BBC, has today succeeded Doctor Apocalypse as head of state, head of government and head of Supreme Court of Ruritania, as a consequence of Doctor Apocalypse's disappearance into the Paranormal Zone. It is the third disappearance of Doctor Apocalypse in eight years, and some independent observers express doubts about the duration of this new political arrangement. 


"Dmtr Szschnrjwiezky, the Poldakian prime minister, deny any responsibility for the Poldakian war on neighbouring Former Republic of Katagonia, since – he claims – the perpetrator wasn't him, but an android pretending to be a clone of his evil twin brother from an alternate timeline. After considering the evidence, brought to the court by Fearful Symmetry, Le Penseur, Blanc Bleu Belge, Kruppstahl and other members of the Guardians of the Continent, the Permanent Court of Arbitrations has decided to clear Prime Minister Szschnrjwiezky from any charges. Instead, the evidence seem to incriminate Doctor Apocalypse, as the one who originally engineered said android.


"Last night, Doctor Dastardly broke out from a high-security prison in the Channel Islands. Authorities warn the general public: Doctor Dastardly is presumeably armed with paranormal weapons, he is irrational and a threat to public safety. In a communique, Interpol confirmed, that Guardians of the Continent are investigating the whereabouts of Doctor Dastardly.


"A new accident occurred at a nuclear power station in Ukraine. Ukrainian authorities claim, that the situation is under control, and that it is harmless to dwell outdoors, but scientific experts warn residents against spending time outside, since the infamous Lieber-effect might cause unforeseen consequences to persons exposed to radiation, or exposed to things exposed to radiation. Experts consider it inadvisable, to let children play close to radioactive flies, midge, chaffinches or squirrels. The Swedish government has promised to send Swedish superhero Moderation Man to Ukraine, in order to assist in bringing the radiation levels down to normal background levels."


The TV screen now turned to a clip of Moderation Man hurling himself up in the air, with his characteristic battlecry:


"Up! Up! Nothing in excess!”


The screen returned to the familiar face of Selena Salcombe, who just smiled, and said:


”And now, the weather report…”


Fink-Nottle-Reid turned the telly off. He knew, that his sister would spend the next weekend at the family mansion with their brother, the present Lord Flydale. He knew, that he was invited, and he knew, that his sister would bring her second husband. The entire arrangement caused him to feel uncomfortable. He rose, took his jacket off, and watched himself in the hotel room mirror: pencil neck, delicate features, thin arms, well-dressed, and not belonging anywhere. Most of the men and women he grew up with, and definitely the older generation still alive at that time, would have regarded physical exercise as something beneath their dignity. Boxing was accepted, even encouraged, unless boxing caused you to look muscular. 


He had succeeded well in meeting the expectations of society, spent most of his childhood in St. George’s, a well-renowned resident private school in Spiffing Snodsbury, at the time while Swinging London turned into the Punk Era, spent his young adult years as a university student at Wolsey College in Oxford during the early Thatcher years, and stayed thin and well-mannered, as his environment expected him to be. When the new millennium began, physical exercise became fashionable, and he felt deserted by time. He felt like he had been robbed of his youth, being somewhere else when the fun things occurred, and he felt like he had been robbed of his adult life as well. 


His elder brother, Lord Flydale, served in the civil service, at a comfortable sinecure post somewhere in the Department for Administrative Affairs, and spent considerably more time home up north, hunting one or another defenceless animal, than spending time at his work in Westminster. Discussions about literature, art or music didn’t fly, when his brother was around. If it wasn’t about geeze, deers, hunting rifles, leaking roofs or political gossip, his brother was unable to conversate. Latona, his older sister, had divorced one of the grandsons of the infamous Sir Reginald Spode, and married Bill, her Personal Trainer, instead. There was something about Latona, which reminded him of great grandaunt Constance, but he couldn’t exactly put his finger on it. To be around his brother would be exhaustingly boring, and to be around Bill would be intimidating. Etiquette demanded his presence, but he didn’t look forward to it. He didn’t fit in anywhere, and he had remained unmarried.

He recollected his thoughts on the work at hand, and rehearsed his introductory statement:

"Her Majesty's government has been very clear, that the clarity, by which it has clarified its stance on the issue, do not need any clarification, and let me be clear, that the clearness of this stance, clearly express what we expect from the outcome of these negotiations. Only a less clearheaded individual would claim, that any further clearing clearance on the matter would be needed to clarify the clarity of the issues. The Prime Minister and my predecessor in Brussels have both been perfectly clear on this, and I am convinced that every clearsighted observer will admit, that no further clarifying declarations -- even on the trade of éclairs between Clare in Suffolk and County Clare -- are needed. We will secure secure regulations on animal health and safety, though enacted independently from decisions made in the European Union, so that both the member countries of the European Union and the United Kingdom may avoid, that any stable become unstable in the future: Every stable must be a strong and stable stable, and no stable must be an unsafe and unstable stable. The cabinet is strongly in favour of continuing co-operation on security and stability -- even considering action to further strengthen security and stabilize safety -- and any other outcome, than a strong and stable United Kingdom, a strong and stable European Union, strong and stable security and strong and stable stables is outside the strongly held vision, that envisions a future of security safely secured by stable strength and strong stability. And we have been very clear about this."


* * *

Guardians of the Continent will be back after this TV commercial: 


”Do you want massive gains in the gym?” 


”Have you worked out for years, with no results?” 


”Use New Improved Superior Hyper-Anabole Ultra-Blitzkrieg Max Superpump-hypertrophy Gain Testo Bro Gro Pro for Real Men with a new improved formula!”*


*(Please note, that overuse of this product may cause kidney failure and diabetes.)


* * *

Afterword


I hereby acknowledge, that Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynn invented Sir Humphrey Appleby, and that my pastiche of his way of expressing himself make use of some famous lines written by Jay and Lynn. I do not intend to steal any intellectual property, nor make any financial gains by using them for a referential and humorous purpose. I also acknowledge, that this story and its continuation  do contain numerous allusions to many tropes and characters from popular culture, but I will not spoil the fun to those who will try to find them and list them.
 And no, I don't like commercials.

Edited by Hialmar
clear, strong and stable, is
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The references to Wodehouse are numerous: To put descendants or relatives of Wodehouse's characters in the middle of Brexit tickle my sense of humour. Do you spot the D.H. Lawrence one?

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I presume that you are going to use some famous examples of political nonsense (for example how to make an opinion poll say two things at once!)

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3 hours ago, CardiMuscleman said:

I presume that you are going to use some famous examples of political nonsense (for example how to make an opinion poll say two things at once!)

Something similar, but thank you for the good suggestion.

I wanted to do something unexpected, like allowing Saturday morning cartoons, political satire, the MG genre and Wodehouse's sense of humour crash into each other. I suppose it hasn't been done before.

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  • 1 year later...

I give up. I really do.

I tried to write a tongue-in-cheek not-too-serious muscle growth story in a Brexit negotiation setting, but it is very hard to write a parody when politicians in charge IRL make statements like these:

Quote

I didn’t understand things like when elections are fought for example in Northern Ireland – people who are nationalists don’t vote for unionist parties and vice-versa.

Quote

“I hadn’t quite understood the full extent of this, but if you look at how we trade in goods, we are particularly reliant on the Dover-Calais crossing.”

How am I supposed to write a parodic exaggeration of statements like these?

I will not write a continuation of this story, but I will revisit the theme of superheroes in other stories.

Edited by Hialmar
how?
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