I have struggled with my thoughts and feelings since I realized I was gay. I was 41 and scared out of my mind. I was certain I would be sucked to hell at any moment. Being Catholic homosexuality is a no-no. So I come at being gay with a different perspective. I do not force my beliefs in anyone's face but I still have them.
Coming from a Christian background I find the idea of sex daunting. I do not disregard anyone else's enjoyment of it but I hope they do it safely. My mind is always thinking; sometimes quietly, sometimes loudly. I often feel I don't fit well enough in either the Gay or Christian cultures. I am an enigma swaddled in doubt and emotion. I may go on with this in more detail one day. Suffice it to say I am always thinking. Some have said I think too much and they have a point. My brain never stops thinking which gives me access to empathy and understanding. It also opens a floodgate of doubt and anxiety.
So there is always something on my mind even if it is not in my conscious mind. It is rather like a program running in the background on your computer that will suddenly report things. I have tried to adapt to society but I believe I have failed. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I was a bit of a uninhibited kid, outside of school, until I was around age 8. That was when the bullying began and I tried to be adjust to the new reality. No matter what i did I was harassed. I was harassed for my name, clothes, academic abilities, being a goody two shoes/boyscout type, and for many more things. The abuse continued until the end of high school.
That combined with more abuse at home combined to make me a person with low self esteem. Because of this I am constantly critical of myself. My standards for myself are exceedingly high so I generally fall short of what I deem to be "the best I can do." Being a good person is what I am 'supposed to be" so I downplay compliments and praise. You don't reward someone for doing what they should. This is mostly because of my parents but that is a separate issue.
So with this understand of my history I hope you can understand the doubts I have about writing gay fiction. I must attest to questioning my desire to write gay erotica nearly every day. Unfortunately the Tumblr purge has me thinking even more. Is there a point to writing what I do when the world seems against me? Am I leading others down a dark path by feeding their lusts? I have wanted to tell people about how I feel for a long time but I have been afraid. Afraid of more criticism that I have experienced in my past. I hate hiding things from my friends so I am trying to be as honest as possible now.
I'm really not sure why I am telling you this. I have been a very private person for most of my life. As I have matured I became more open. I tell people a lot about myself to avoid masking who I am yet I still worry about expressing thoughts that may contrast with the accepted views of a community. in other words I don't discuss my desire for a male partner in front of most Christian/Catholic friends and I don't discuss my views on religion with most gay men.
To be clear: I DO NOT do this to be politically correct.
I do this to avoid being a rude douchebag as I was in my 20s. To be fair I was in a lot of mental and emotional pain back then but I was told by a close friend that being rude to others is not justifiable in spite of suffering. He was right of course and over the years I got better at being pleasant company. I do not consider this being fake because if asked I will say how I feel but I try to not immediately dump my emotional baggage into a conversation. I suppose posting this may seem like vanity.
I just wanted to let people know that we all have doubts and insecurities and that it is okay to be worried, doubtful, or uneasy. I write this to remind people of the gray areas in thinking where you don't have to be 100 percent for or against something.These days American society is polarized like I have never seen before in my lifetime. It is a balancing act for me. "Being Gay and Christian is like dipping one foot in the Atlantic Ocean and one in the Pacific. You can do it but you have to be very flexible." Peace, CF