Before I post my muscle fantasies, my sexual desires, and my erotic fictional stories, I’d first like to share a true story about me.
My name is (removed for privacy reasons) and I am 18 years old. The greatest compliment I ever received was a girl telling me I looked “kinda like Tom Daley when he was younger,” although I don’t think I do.
I am a freshman in college (technically I will be a freshman this fall), and yet I’m still a virgin. I haven’t even kissed a guy before. It’s not because I’m a prude, or a douchebag, but simply because I’m unlucky. I’ve literally had zero opportunities to meet another gay guy, even though I was in an extremely liberal high school, even though I was in the drama and theater club, and even though I was in the LGBT club (I was the only guy. The other members were all lesbians). Despite all this, I was unable to find a guy who was gay and open to a relationship.
The closest I got was with Theo (name changed for privacy reasons), a cute young guy from drama who acted quite flamboyant and yet had hunky forearms. We were assigned a comedy sketch together, and I fell in love with him after a week.
In the theater dressing rooms, where gossip was a second language to us, I heard probably exaggerated stories from Theo’s female friends of how Theo had a dick that was 9-inches soft, and I went out of my mind fantasizing about him. Sometimes I sneaked a photo of his thick jean-clenched butt when his back was turned, and deleted it later with guilt. Sometimes he took of his shirt when we were both in the dressing room and I tried not to seem obvious in my peeping.
I got close to Theo. We shared laughter and great conversations, we became facebook and snapchat friends, and we had fun practicing our skit together. Then, with encouragement from my female friends, I worked up enough courage to ask Theo about his sexuality.
A couple weeks before the skit was to be performed, I came out to Theo and asked him if he was gay, and he said he wasn’t. I was left heartbroken and crestfallen, but mostly in denial. I refused to believe that he was straight because the way he acted, dressed, and talked was characteristically gay. I convinced myself that Theo just wasn’t ready to come out yet, and I pushed the part of my mind that knew he was straight into a corner and didn’t think about it too much.
I kept on loving him madly, following him around wherever he went, and fantasizing about our future together, and he didn’t notice my lustful stares one bit, even though I kind of wanted him to. When it became time to perform our skit, we performed it well. The audience was crying with laughter, but inside, I was crying with sadness, not just because I knew Theo would never love me, but also because I wouldn’t likely see him much after our performance.
That night, at the cast party dinner, we sat together for what would probably be the last time, and got high off of life. We were cracking up at every joke, no matter how stupid it was, we were eating off each other’s plates, we were throwing stuff and being a nuisance, and we didn’t give a fuck who we bothered.
Then, after a lull in the conversation, my idiot mouth opened, and I asked Theo if he was sure he was gay. Yes, he was sure. But did he know for certain? Yes, he did. But wasn’t he at least curious? No, he wasn’t. Then how come he never had a girlfriend before? Because he was looking for the right girl.
Then I crossed the line, because apparently I am a fucking idiot. I told Theo that if he wanted to experiment, I wouldn’t mind sucking his cock. He instantly became very uncomfortable, and a little bit angry, and he decided to leave the party.
The next few weeks I was depressed beyond all belief, convincing myself I would never kiss a man, that I would never be loved by anyone, and that I would die alone. I stayed up into the night, sobbing and calling upon God to give me Theo back, even though I’m an atheist. I rarely saw Theo again, but when I did, in the hall or the cafeteria, we both tried desperately to avoid eye contact as well as each other.
When I finally accepted that Theo wasn’t gay, I also accepted that I wasn't going to find love any time soon, and here I am today, without having had a boyfriend, without having had sex, and without ever having been told that I am attractive by another man in person.
I sure hope college brings more opportunities for love, but I’ve been fooled before. Damn you, high school.
(My self portrait is supplied. I don’t think I look that much like Tom Daley, do I? Whatever.)